Learn to Let Go
by Rainb0wNinja
Summary: Byakuya discovers something about his lieutenant, and finds himself caring more and more about the redhead. Can he help Renji overcome his depression, or will the scars on his wrists get deeper? And just how many of those cuts were because of Byakuya? Kinda dark, but not really. Takes place after the Thousand Year Blood War arc. Rated T for the usual stuff. And yes, summary sucks.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I've got a bit of writers block right now, therefore I'm taking a break from my GrimmIchi story to write this. It's been lurking around in the back of my mind for quite a while, and now just seems like a good enough time to write it. Hopefully I can get back to writing my other story soon :p but for now, enjoy this ByaRen fic. I'm not all that good at writing this couple, since it's hard to keep Byakuya in character, but I'm determined to keep it as close as possible!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

Byakuya glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, a device from the world of the living which Rukia _insisted_ he have, and of course he couldn't say no to his sister. With a sigh, he returned to signing papers, trying to ignore the fact that his lieutenant was late _again_. Yesterday had been Friday, the day in which Renji usually went out and drank copious amounts of sake with his moronic friends, therefore waking up late. Byakuya's eyes narrowed at the thought. Why his fiery fuku-taichou would want to drink himself into a stupor was beyond him. Byakuya himself never really cared for drinking, but on occasion would have a cup or two, never getting incoherent though. Perhaps it was the fact that he is of noble blood and wasn't allowed to drink, and Renji grew up in Inuzuri where nobody cared what you did, so long as you didn't bother them. Whatever the reason, it didn't matter right now, because Renji was supposed to be at work nearly an hour ago and Byakuya was losing his patience.

_Perhaps I should go wake him personally,_ Byakuya thought. He then shook his head in disapproval. He never went to Renji's house, no matter how late the redhead was. In fact, Byakuya was sure he didn't even know where Renji lived. It was somewhere on the division grounds, he knew that much, but he didn't know where exactly. Granted, he could easily track Abarai's spiritual pressure, but he preferred not to. He was a noble _and_ a captain, and therefore shouldn't have to go find his lieutenant just to wake him up. No, Renji would suffer the consequences, and there was an extraordinarily large pile of paperwork to help prove that.

Byakuya stopped writing for a moment as voices passed by his office door. He recognized them as some of the other lieutenants, Matsumoto, Kira, and Hisagi. Normally he would pay no mind to such a thing, but his interest was caught when they mentioned his lieutenant.

"Jeez, he sure did drink himself into a hole again, ne? I'm starting to think we should've let him sleep, he looks awful." This was Matsumoto, Byakuya could clearly tell by the feminine voice.

"He's already late, letting him sleep in would just get him into more trouble. I bet Captain Kuchiki's pissed." This could only be Hisagi, what with his deep voice.

"I would love to see what Captain Kuchiki's got planned for him today. You'd think he would realize that drinking so much only gets him more paperwork. And on a few occasions, a good old sparring session. Man, that was funny." Kira said, and the groups laughter faded away. Byakuya resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the comment. Maybe Renji's friends weren't all that stupid after all. In fact, they all sounded sobered up, despite having gone out with the redhead last night.

_I'm sure he consumed a larger amount of alcohol than the others, the fool. I was under the impression that Matsumoto drank the most, yet she seemed perfectly fine and was even awake before him. Why on Earth would he want to do something so meaningless?_

Byakuya's thoughts were cut off abruptly as he felt Renji's spiritual pressure fly towards the office, feeling wild and panicked. If Byakuya weren't so angry, he would smile at how worried Renji probably was right now. However, he was _very_ angry, and at this point was considering another _sparring_ session, or even sending him over to the eleventh division to train. The office doors flew open, revealing a disheveled, breathless, hungover Renji Abarai. His ponytail was lopsided and random pieces were sticking up, his maroon headband was crooked, his shihakusho wasn't tied properly which made a little more of his chest visible, his cheeks were flushed from running, and the list goes on. Now normally, Byakuya would listen to Renji spout excuses and then wave him off without so much as a glance, but today he was feeling a little merciless and decided to fix Renji with the most angry look he could muster, which considering the noble usually looked calm, was quite scary. It was so scary, that Renji actually gasped and visibly flinched, and then proceeded to sputter apologies.

"S-sorry Captain! You see, m-my alarm didn't go off this morning, a-and I didn't wake up until Rangiku and the others woke me up, a-and please forgive me! I'll do anything, just don't give me that look! It's freaking me out!" He half yelled, but Byakuya paid no attention to it. In fact, he narrowed his eyes even more, making Renji drop to his knees and clasp his hands together.

"Abarai, it is time for another sparring session. After that, you will prepare tea and begin working on that pile of paperwork. You are not allowed to go home until it is all finished. Do I make myself clear?" Said Byakuya, his voice dripping with authority. Renji's eyes widened, giving Byakuya a good view of how blood shot they were.

"S-sparring session? B-but Captain! I-I—"

"I _said_," Byakuya's eyes narrowed, and Renji swore his eyebrow twitched, "Do I make myself clear, Lieutenant Abarai. Or perhaps you would rather me send you to Captain Zaraki again."

"N-no! Not that again!" Renji cried, giving Byakuya his best pleading look. Renji may be a proud man, but when it came to his Captain's wrath, he would resort to begging if necessary.

"Very well. Let us go, then." And with that, Renji followed his Captain to the training grounds.

* * *

"Hey, did you hear? Lieutenant Abarai and Captain Kuchiki are sparring again! Man, the Captain looks pissed, Abarai's dead meat!"

"What?! We have to go watch! Come on!"

Rangiku sighed, having predicted this outcome. She told Renji to take it easy, but did he listen? Nooo, he just kept knocking them back, shot after shot, cup after cup. Granted, she drank a lot too, but she had a higher tolerance for alcohol and also knew her limits. Usually Renji didn't drink that much, but on occasion he would show up to the bar looking upset about something, and then start chugging the drinks. Whenever they asked what his deal was, he wouldn't tell them. Yesterday had obviously been one of those nights, and it was irritating Rangiku to no end. But, she couldn't give up the opportunity to watch Renji get his ass kicked, so she quickly made her way over to the sixth division.

"Matsumoto, did you finish those papers? They need to go to the seventh division and I—" Toshiro paused, taking in the emptiness of the office where his lieutenant had just been, and then snapped, "MATSUMOTOOOOO!"

Rangiku broke out into flash step, laughing nervously.

* * *

"Draw your sword, Abarai, and I suggest using shikai." Byakuya said, and before Renji could react, he used Senbonzakura's shikai. Renji managed to shunpo away before the tiny blades could touch him, and managed to call out Zabimaru. Byakuya flicked his wrist, sending the petals flying after the redhead, and Renji quickly swung his sword. The whip-like blade blocked some of the petals, but the others simply moved around it and continued on their path towards Renji. He pulled his arm back, making Zabimaru curl and snap at the sakura petals, but there were simply too many to dodge. He bit back a shout as they sliced his skin, tearing his shihakusho in random places. He then flashed away, reappearing directly above Byakuya, and prepared to swing Zabimaru down at him. A hand in the face caught him off guard.

"Hado number 33, sokatsui."

"Agh!" Renji wheezed as he collided with the wall. Byakuya didn't give him enough time to recover as he sent another flurry of petals flying, ripping harshly into the tattooed man. Byakuya flashed away when he heard the familiar hiss of Renji's bankai, and dodged the red blast that shot out of Zabimaru's mouth.

"Using bankai already? I've told you before, that isn't smart during a battle." Byakuya said, his petals clashing with the snake beast.

"Well, good thing this isn't a battle then." Renji replied, looking at Byakuya somewhat smugly. That look vanished when Byakuya's sword fell to the ground, creating a rippling effect and then disappearing.

"You're right. I think I'll follow your example, then. Bankai, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi." Byakuya said, and the area around them turned dark, followed by two rows of swords rising from the ground. All at once, the swords broke into thousands of petals which all went flying at Renji, who was trying to figure out what to do. Byakuya watched as Renji became engulfed in his blades, and prepared to turn away and call his sword back. However, he didn't hear any yell from Renji, which is odd since he should be in a lot of pain right now. He called the blades back, his sword returning to normal, and turned back around. His eyes widened at the sight of Zabimaru curled over its master, forming a sphere of protection. The bone segments broke apart, and the usual red spirit energy in between them disappeared. Zabimaru returned to its normal form, revealing an unconscious Renji. The raven haired captain walked over to his lieutenant, and used his foot to roll Renji onto his back. His eyes narrowed ever so slightly at seeing the large gashes that covered Renji's chest and stomach, and he belatedly realized he may have gone a little too far.

_That move,_ Byakuya thought, remembering how Zabimaru was used as a barrier to protect Renji, _have I seen that move before? Or..did he recently learn it? I wonder...just how strong he has gotten since the war..._

"C-captain Kuchiki sir? If you don't mind, I need to heal him now." A shy voice asked, making Byakuya re-focus on his surroundings.

"Very well. Do not heal them completely, Hanataro. Just enough so they won't bleed. He needs the pain to remind him of his actions last night."

"Y-yes sir!" Hanataro replied, making quick work of healing the redhead. Byakuya watched as Renji's eyes opened, looking around slowly before landing on him. He saw a flash of anger, and then some other emotion which Byakuya couldn't describe. Hanataro finished putting bandages on the wounds and then bowed to Byakuya before scurrying away. The crowd dispersed, and Byakuya saw Matsumoto leave with Kira and Hisagi. She glanced back, looking at Renji with concern, and then continued walking.

"Are you going to lay there all day, Abarai? You still have work to do." Byakuya said, looking back down at Renji.

"Right." Renji sighed, getting to his feet and following Byakuya back to the office. Once there, Renji grabbed a spare uniform from a closet and went into the bathroom to change.

_He's being very quiet now. Perhaps I did take it too far, but he should know by now to not be late. He needed some sort of punishment, but that probably was the wrong thing to do._ Byakuya thought, and had a flashback from his younger days, when he couldn't control his temper. _Even after all these years, I cannot control it._

Renji emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a new shihakusho. His ponytail was fixed, his bandana back in place, but he still looked exhausted, more so than he did before sparring. Byakuya watched as he scuffed past his desk, pausing for a moment to remember what he was going to do, and then glance at Byakuya tiredly.

"I'm gonna...hmm...tea." He mumbled, pointing lazily to the small kitchen. He then continued his slow walk, making his way into the room. A moment later, he returned with a tray and carefully set the cup on Byakuya's desk, before setting his own cup on his desk. After returning the tray to the kitchen, he sat down and picked up his cup. While Byakuya gently blew on his drink before taking a small sip, which is the smart thing to do, Renji simply took a large mouthful of the piping hot liquid and proceeded to spit it out, waving a hand over his mouth rapidly as if it would cool off.

"_Hot_ hot hot! Shit, that fucking burns! Oww!" He panted, sticking out his tongue and touching it with his fingertips. While Byakuya found it highly amusing, he kept the laughter inside as always.

"Abarai, I suggest you watch your language. Also, try thinking before you drink something hot. You may find it useful." Byakuya said, noticing how Renji gave him a flustered and slightly irritated look.

"Right. Sorry, Captain. I'll keep that in mind." He said, and then reluctantly started signing papers. Byakuya did as well, but couldn't help glancing at his lieutenant every now and again. Every time Renji shifted a certain way, he would wince and make a pained face. While he tried not to, Byakuya felt a small pang of guilt. Finally, after _only_ a half hour of glancing, he stood and approached Renji, who was giving him a curious look.

"Open your shihakusho, Abarai." Byakuya said, and quirked an eyebrow when Renji's eyes widened comically.

"W-what?!" He asked, an almost unnoticeable blush spreading across his cheeks.

"So I can heal your wounds, Abarai." He said with a slightly irritated voice.

"R-right! Of course! But..erm..you don't have to do that, Captain. I'll probably just go to the fourth after work." Renji said, his blush dissipating.

"It is no trouble. I may have taken things too far, and this is my way of apologizing. Now, do not make me repeat myself." Byakuya said, kneeling down beside Renji. The tattooed man reluctantly shed the top half of his uniform, wincing slightly as Byakuya removed the bandages and the air hit his wounds. He took in a breath as a soft green light spread over his stomach, and the cuts slowly sealed shut.

"I didn't know you knew healing kido, Captain." Renji said, visibly relaxing as the light moved up to his chest.

"It is something I picked up when I was younger. I don't use it often, only when I see necessary." Byakuya replied, staring intently at Renji's wounds. He healed the few scratches that were on his arms, and even one on his neck, before moving to his back. There weren't as many here, just a few minor cuts. He healed them none the less and then examined his handiwork. Renji's body looked as if nothing had happened.

"Are there any others?" He asked, watching as Renji averted his eyes.

"No, that's all." Renji answered, and then cried out in pain when Byakuya's finger pressed down on his lower leg.

"What about this one?" He asked, almost smiling at the meek look Renji gave him.

"Heh..forgot about that one." He said, grin faltering as Byakuya pulled his hakama up, using his free hand to heal the deep wound. Byakuya's eyes widened when he saw the black, tribal markings run down underneath Renji's sock.

_Have those always been there? No..I remember seeing his leg once, when a hollow shredded part of his hakama. These were not there before. So my earlier suspicions were right, he did indeed get stronger. I wonder when, though.._

"Erm..Captain? You alright?" Renji asked, and Byakuya realized he was staring for too long.

"Will that be all, Abarai?" Byakuya asked, letting Renji's hakama go. He happened to glance at the cloth wrapped around his lieutenants wrists, and furrowed his brows when he saw a spot of blood seeping through, yet the cloth itself wasn't cut.

"No, that should do it, thanks Captain. I'll try to not be late anymore.." Renji trailed off when he followed his captains gaze, his face going white when he saw the small spot of blood. He tried to pull his hand back, but Byakuya caught it, making Renji yelp in both surprise and pain. When Byakuya started pulling off the wrappings, he kept trying to pull his hand away, but Byakuya's grip was too tight. Renji looked away as the cloth came off, not wanting to see his captains reaction. There was a tense moment of silence, and then finally his captain asked one single question.

"What is this?"

"What's what, Captain?" Renji asked, still avoiding eye contact. It was the wrong thing to say, Renji knew that, but he wasn't ready to talk about this yet. This wasn't something anyone was supposed to find out about.

"Continue with your work, Abarai," Byakuya said, standing and walking back to his desk. For a moment, Renji felt relieved. Of course his Captain wouldn't care about such things, and to Renji, it was a blessing and a curse, though he didn't want to think about _why_ it was a curse. "But stay after you have completed it. We will talk then."

And just like that, Renji's brief moment of relief shattered.

* * *

The rest of the day passed by much more quickly than Renji would have liked, and he actually found himself signing papers at an incredibly slow pace. But, eventually he finished, and found that Byakuya was waiting for him, calmly sipping tea on the couch. He gave Renji a look that clearly said 'come over here or I'll force you' so Renji didn't have much of a choice.

"Remove the bandages on your wrists." He said, giving Renji a stern look. The office was dark, save a few lit candles, giving off an eery spark in Byakuya's eyes. Renji couldn't help but feel intimidated, and reluctantly slipped off the wrappings, revealing numerous cuts, some deeper than others. One cut in particular was fresh, having been made today. Once again, Renji couldn't meet his Captains eyes.

"I'll ask you again, Abarai. What is this?" Byakuya asked, his voice sounding oddly neutral despite the angry flare in his usually cold eyes.

"I think it's pretty obvious what they are, Captain." Renji replied bitterly, flinching as the nobles spiritual pressure rose.

"You know that is not what I am asking, Abarai. _Why_ are they there?" Byakuya asked again, his voice less patient.

"Look, I don't really want to talk about this right now. It's not a big deal or anything, nobody knows about it, so can we just forget about this?"

"This is not something I can _forget_ about. If you refuse to tell me, I will have to notify Captain Unohana. I don't want to do that, Abarai. I would like to keep this between you and I." Byakuya said, trying to keep his temper and patience in check. Renji sighed irritably, and Byakuya suppressed the urge to do the same.

"Why do you _care_? I've been doing it for a while, I don't see why it's such a problem." Renji said, and then mentally smacked himself for saying that. He dared to look at Byakuya, who's eyes were narrowed dangerously.

"How long." It wasn't a question, not even close to one.

"Captain—"

"How long, Abarai." Byakuya said again, letting some of his anger slip out.

"Why does it matter?! Who cares how long or why I've been doing it, it's not your business anyways!" He yelled, and before he could blink he was being held up against the wall by a strong bakudo spell, with Byakuya standing directly in front of him, looking more angry than Renji had seen him in a while.

"It _matters_, because you are a lieutenant of the 13 Court Guard Squads, and more importantly _my_ lieutenant. I will not let this continue. If you do not tell me everything right now, I will call Captain Unohana and you will be placed under her care. This is not acceptable, Abarai." Byakuya said, his voice calm yet angry at the same time. Renji clenched his jaw, giving Byakuya a defiant look, and his fists tightened when the noble pulled out his soul pager, a device he only used for emergencies. He dialed numbers, and put the phone up to his ear, someone answering almost immediately.

"Hello, Captain Unohana? I am sorry for the late call, but I'm afraid I have an emergency with my lieutenant. You see—"

"Alright, I'll tell you!" Renji yelled, relaxing as Byakuya flipped the phone shut. He briefly wondered if Byakuya even called anyone, or if he really just hung up on Unohana. Somehow, the latter didn't seem very likely.

"May I release you, or are the bindings necessary to make you talk?" Byakuya asked, seeming less angry now.

"I'll talk. Just let me go." Renji said, landing on his feet as Byakuya snapped his fingers. They sat down again, each on the opposite couch, and Renji reluctantly explained himself.

"I've been doing this..since Rukia was adopted into your family. I didn't do it out of depression or anything, I did it to remind myself that I failed. It wasn't serious at first, in fact I rarely did it, but then...when Ichigo first came to soul society, I started doing it again. I failed when I lost to him, and again when I lost to you. I was so angry at myself, I couldn't help but keep doing it. Each cut represents all of my failures. I don't let the scars heal, because I always want to be reminded of how much stronger I need to become. After a while, I figured it might be smart to cover them with something, since the amount of scars was starting to get out of control. I never meant for it to be this way...I just felt the need to do it after I failed." Renji explained, all the while staring at the floor. Byakuya was quiet, thinking things over, and not quite knowing how he should feel.

_There are so many though...has he truly failed that much? He lost to Ichigo, myself, the espada, Äs Nödt...no, there are far too many. Granted, I am not aware of every single battle he has fought, but regardless it doesn't add up. He's not telling me something..._

"You said each one represented a failure. What is your definition of a failure, Abarai, because I know you have not failed that much."

"Nothing gets by you, huh Captain? You're too observant. A failure to me isn't just losing a battle, it's not living up to your expectations, it's when you don't accomplish something that you've had your heart set on for years. It's when your given a chance to do something that you've always wanted to do, and then you don't do it. It's when you let something slip away..when you had it right in the palm of your hand. Those are what I consider failures." Renji said, running a finger along each scar, as if remembering their reason for existing.

_Letting something slip away?_ Byakuya thought, instantly thinking of Hisana. _I wonder...who has slipped away from him? Rukia perhaps? There is truly a lot he is not telling me. But I won't force it all out tonight, he needs time. I will not let this go, though. I don't know why, but I cannot make myself forget about this and leave it alone. It bothers me much more than it should._

"Very well. I will not tell Unohana, on one condition." Byakuya said.

"Which is?" Renji asked, quirking an eyebrow when Byakuya held out his hand, glancing at his wrists. Renji reluctantly reached over and let the noble grab them, and then tried to retract as Byakuya began healing each scar.

"I will be checking every day, and if I see one, I will call her. And don't think you can try to get someone else to heal them, I will check for reiatsu." He said, healing the last cut, which was the freshest.

_He did this one in the morning..._Byakuya realized, watching as Renji pulled his wrists back and rubbed them.

_I wonder...how many of those scars..were because of me?_

* * *

**A/N: Okay, this turned out waaayyy different than I originally planned. I wanted it to be short, sweet, and to the point. It just went into it's own, darker, more depressing path. I hate when that happens -.- Hopefully this won't be too long, since I'm behind on my other fic. Anyways, the next chapter may be..well..I have no idea. It'll be a surprise, I guess! If you enjoyed, review, and if you didn't enjoy, still review! I'm not too satisfied with the direction this thing took, so I understand if you're not either. But I'll take any advice! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: You know, this is why I hate starting a new fic while you have another ongoing one. Then you can't stop making chapters and the other one gets neglected! For anyone out there waiting for Paradise Down In Flames to get updated, it's a quarter of the way done. I know, it's a lot of progress when I've had weeks to do it. But this story is just tempting me... I can't help myself!**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing, but I'm continuing with my mission to get Grimmjow. Soon I will own him!**

* * *

The next day Renji actually woke up on time, despite being tired. He had a hard time falling asleep after his talk with Byakuya, and wasn't really looking forward to seeing his Captain. Every time the man looked at him, he could practically feel the disappointment burning a hole in his heart. He never meant for anyone to find out, especially his Captain, but he never was much for luck. If anything, he always expected Byakuya to be the _last_ person who would even care. The scars were for Renji, and Renji alone. They motivated him to get stronger and to stop making so many mistakes. He knew it wasn't healthy, and deep down he knew it had morphed into some kind of addiction. It didn't feel good, not in the least bit, so at least he wasn't turning into some kind of masochist. No, they hurt, and it's exactly what Renji needed to feel. Pain. Pain for failing, for being weak, for not doing what he's wanted to do for years.

Telling his Captain how he feels.

Since the day he became a lieutenant, Renji's always admired Byakuya. Maybe not so much at first, since he wanted to beat the noble so bad in battle, but when Aizen betrayed everybody something changed. _Byakuya_ changed. He actually became more _human_, and Renji started noticing things besides how stuck up and powerful he was. It wasn't much at first, just small things, like that the man actually had a heart. He was a proud man, strong-willed and diligent, punctual and well mannered. He followed the law, but showed that sometimes, it's necessary to break some rules. Renji respected that. But then, one day, Renji started noticing _a lot_ of things about his Captain, and things _really_ changed.

His Captain had pretty eyes.

His Captain smelled amazing.

His Captain had soft, smooth hair. (At least it looked that way.)

His Captain had nice, creamy skin.

His Captain looked cute (and unbelievably terrifying at the same time) when he was angry.

One by one, Renji noticed his Captain's qualities, and slowly fell in love with them. He went through denial, not believing he was gay. A few more scars were added because of that. Then one day, he finally accepted the fact that he was _in love_ with Byakuya Kuchiki. He immediately got drunk, wanting to smack himself a thousand times. Of all the people to love, his heart chose the most unobtainable person. Someone like Byakuya, a noble, clan head, Captain, and _man_, would never love a stray dog like Renji. The scars grew again. Rangiku and the others noticed he was depressed, but he didn't tell them why. They wouldn't understand. And now Renji was faced with a very serious problem. His Captain knew about his bad habit, and would probably keep questioning him about it. The man was smart, he knew there were way too many cuts. But what could Renji tell him? That they were because of him? Because every time Renji tried to tell him the truth, he pussied out and cut himself? Yeah, that would work out really nicely.

So, needless to say, Renji didn't want to be at work today. He still went of course, and on time for that matter, and Byakuya was acting like everything was normal. Renji knew better though. His Captain was just waiting for the right time to bring it up, and of course check Renji's wrists. He would probably wait until after work again. Oddly enough, Renji kind of enjoyed waiting for the day to end so he could talk to his Captain. If only the circumstances were different...

_But still, meeting with Captain at night, when no ones around, and the candles make his skin glow and his beautiful eyes shine...it's almost romantic. It would be if we wouldn't talk about my problems. Hell, if I had the balls, I'd confess to him and kiss him. If I had the balls..._Renji trailed off, thinking of all the times he failed and glancing at his wrist. _Shit..it really has become an addiction. This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought. I'm over thinking it...I don't need to do it just because I can't be with him. Just because I can't ask him out because I'm a fucking pussy...shit, my wrists fucking itch now. When did this get so serious?_

Renji glanced at Byakuya, who luckily wasn't looking, and gently scratched his wrists, hoping it would calm him down. Unfortunately, it only made it worse, so he scratched harder and harder, not noticing when Byakuya stared at him, quirking an eyebrow. Finally, the noble coughed, making Renji jump and move his hand away as if he had been burned.

"Is there a problem, Abarai?" Byakuya asked, though he already knew that there was indeed a _problem_.

"N-no Captain, just an itch is all." Renji lied, offering a meek smile. Byakuya didn't believe it, not even for a moment, and decided to call a hell butterfly, but made it look as if it had a message for him.

"I must attend a Captains meeting now, continue with your work." Byakuya said, letting the butterfly fly back out through the window.

"Alright Captain." Renji said, glancing at his wrist again. Byakuya left, and then concealed his spiritual pressure so Renji would think he left. He then walked around to the back of the office and went through the window, keeping far away from Renji but close enough to watch him. The redhead tried to do his work, but kept scratching his wrist, and then finally threw his pen down and sighed deeply. Byakuya narrowed his eyes as Renji took out Zabimaru and took his maroon wristband off, unwinding the bandages and positioning his blade on the underside of his wrist. He pressed down hard, and then swiftly slid the blade out, hissing as the point passed through. Byakuya was actually surprised at how much blood came out, but was too angry to care. In a flash, he was behind Renji, gripping his wrist tightly and making more blood ooze out. Renji yelped, standing and twisting around only to be met with angry gray eyes.

"C-Captain! B-but I thought you—"

"Abarai, what is the meaning of this?" Byakuya asked, his voice dangerously low. He began healing the cut, not releasing his grip, raising his spiritual pressure when he saw that blood had gotten everywhere.

"I-I...I don't know..I couldn't help it!" Renji said, his heart beating rapidly.

"I told you if you did this again, I would call Captain Unohana. You leave me no choice, Abarai. I must also take your sword, since you no longer deserve it."

"No!" Renji yelled, his hand gripping Byakuya's which was still on his wrist.

"No? Give me a reason not to, Abarai."

"I-I'm sorry Captain, just please, don't tell Captain Unohana! Please, I won't do it again!" Renji cried, his voice slightly frantic. Byakuya looked thoughtful for a moment, and then released Renji's wrist, sighing lightly.

"We will talk about this tonight. I need time to think of what action to take. Until then, I suggest you actually get some work done." Byakuya said, walking back to his desk. Renji quickly did as he was told, not wanting to upset his Captain more. He wasn't sure if he should look forward to tonight or not.

But if he had to be honest, he'd probably say he was.

* * *

Night came quickly, and Renji found himself losing focus yet again as he gazed into Byakuya's steel eyes, which shone brightly in the candle light. He didn't even notice the noble was speaking until Byakuya's aggravated voice snapped him out of his trance. Renji was glad it was so dark in the room, since he felt his face heat up.

"What was that Captain? I kinda..zoned out..heh." Renji said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

"I made my decision, Abarai. I realized that notifying Captain Unohana would make not only you, but myself as well look bad. As the lieutenant of the sixth division, you have an image to uphold, and I will not let it be ruined simply because you are having some sort of problem. However, I also realized that if you are out of my sight, you will merely continue harming yourself, as you proved earlier. So, I came to the decision that you will stay at the manor with me until this issue has been resolved." Byakuya said, and Renji felt as if the world had stopped moving. He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound would come out.

_Stay...at the Kuchiki manor...with him?! Like...in the same room..? Oh..oh god...I think I'm gonna pass out. My chest feels like it's going to explode, I think my heart stopped. Oh...it's because I'm not breathing. Is he serious..?_

"W-what?" Renji finally managed to say, his eyes wide in disbelief.

"Is that a problem for you, Abarai?" Byakuya asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"N-no, of course not! But..uh..where would I sleep? I mean, I know it's a big place and all, so there's probably room and stuff..but..I don't wanna impose or anything..It's not like I take up a whole lot of room, but it's just..wow...this is a lot to take in..are you sure about this, Captain?" Renji asked, not even realizing he had been rambling. Byakuya resisted the urge to smirk.

"We have room, Abarai, it is not a problem. And yes, I am quite sure. You will return to your home and gather anything you might need and then come to the manor. I will notify the guards to let you in and the servants will show you to your room." Byakuya said with an air of finality, leaving no room for Renji to argue.

_How can I argue with this, though? I get to live with Byakuya fucking Kuchiki, the most gorgeous man I've ever seen! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed to be getting my own room though. Then again, sleeping in the same room with him could be awkward, plus I don't think I would be able to control myself. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to say something._

"Yes sir. I'll go do that right now." Renji said, trying to hide his inner excitement. Byakuya nodded, and the two exited the office, going their separate ways. Renji made sure to get home as quickly as possible, grabbing his favorite sleeping yukata, a more fancy looking kimono for his days off, some spare uniforms, his toothbrush and hairbrush, and some personal care items. He didn't really have anything to carry it all in, so he settled for wrapping everything in a blanket and carrying it over his shoulder. Cheap, yes, but he had no choice. After double checking that he had everything, Renji quickly flash stepped to the Kuchiki manor. Just as Byakuya said, the guards were waiting for him, giving him an odd look but letting him in anyways. If that didn't make him feel out of place, the servants definitely did. He was immediately led through the many hallways of the Kuchiki manor, wondering how the hell he would manage to not get lost, and then finally came to a stop in front of a door.

"This will be your room, Master Abarai. You should find everything you need inside, and beyond the other door inside is the gardens. Feel free to visit them as you wish, and if you need anything, do not hesitate to call us. Or if you prefer, you may ask Master Kuchiki, he is in the next room. Do you have any questions?" The servant asked, her voice polite yet somewhat mechanical, as if she had practiced this speech every day. Renji felt that she really didn't want to be showing him around. And the other servant had yet to say a word.

"N-no..that should do it..thank you very much." Renji said, trying to sound as polite as possible.

"Very well then. Enjoy your stay." She said, and then proceeded to drag the young male servant away. Renji quirked an eyebrow and sighed, sliding the door open and then closed behind him. His jaw nearly hit the floor when he took in his temporary bedroom. He was expecting an empty room with just a simple futon, but no, he got quite the opposite. The bed looked to be queen sized, rising high of the floor and having four pillars protruding from each corner and took up most of the west wall. Next to it was a night stand, with a few lit candles already set out. A door was on the other side, which led to a small bathroom, and on the north wall was another larger door which probably led to the gardens. The east wall had a small table and a few cushions, and a few beautifully hand painted drawings hanging up, along with a dresser for clothes. There were few windows in the room, being next to the door that led outside, and through the blinds you could see the vast gardens.

"Shit." Renji breathed, hoping Byakuya couldn't hear him. The walls weren't paper thin, they were made of some sort of sturdy material, but they weren't the thickest either and Byakuya had pretty good hearing. He managed to make his legs move, and started emptying his makeshift bag, feeling an odd mixture of excitement and uncertainty. He truly was out of his element, which was rather unsettling, but at the same time he had Byakuya. True, the man sometimes made him feel like Rukongai dirt, but not so much anymore.

_I wonder what he's doing..._Renji thought absentmindedly, and as if on cue, a soft knock sounded on the door leading to the hallway. Renji jumped, feeling his Captain's spiritual pressure behind it, and quickly walked over to slide the door open. The sight he was greeted with was one that made Renji's mouth water. Byakuya was in a dark blue sleeping yukata, his hair free from the new clips he wore, making him look younger and more innocent.

"C-Captain.." Renji managed to speak, his mouth suddenly dry. He was going to be living with this man for who knows how long, and he wasn't allowed to act on certain impulses which at this point were growing out of control.

"Abarai, I came to check to see if everything met your needs." Byakuya said, remaining completely oblivious to the hungry look Renji was giving him.

"Oh, everything here definitely meets my needs." Renji said, his eyes wandering to the small amount of skin that was showing on Byakuya's chest. Realizing what he just said, and the meaning that was actually behind it, he backpedaled. "I-I mean, of course it meets my needs! Your home is amazing, Captain. Everything is so..beautiful. Completely opposite of what I'm used to."

"That is good to hear. If you would like, I can show you to the dining room, if you are hungry." Byakuya said, resisting the urge to raise an eyebrow at his lieutenants odd behavior.

"Oh, I don't want to burden you, Captain. I'm not that hungry anyways." Renji said sheepishly, his stomach picking the perfect moment to growl. This time Byakuya did raise an eyebrow.

"Are you quite sure of that, Abarai? I am certain you will not find it on your own and I do not mind showing you."

"Uh..well..if you insist." Renji grinned, following Byakuya through the maze that is the Kuchiki manor. He tried to memorize the way so that he wouldn't get lost in the morning, but it became hard as everything started to look the same. They passed a few servants on the way, who bowed for Byakuya and then to Renji, but not before looking at him strangely.

"Captain, do you ever get lost?" Renji asked, wanting to take his mind off of the servants.

"Of course not. Once you get used to it, you no longer lose your way." Byakuya answered, not being phased by Renji's random questions. He sometimes reminded the noble of a child, always asking strange questions.

"Really? So even when you were little, you never got lost?" Renji asked, having a hard time believing he never got lost even once.

"I never said that." Byakuya responded, stopping in front of two large doors and opening them, revealing the largest dining room Renji had ever seen. A servant immediately approached Byakuya, wearing an apron and chefs hat.

"Masters Kuchiki and Abarai, the food is ready for you now." He said, making Renji's eye twitch at the title. He wasn't going to get use to that, ever. Byakuya nodded, leading Renji to the table and taking a seat. He gestured for Renji to sit next to him, and then picked up his chopsticks, waiting for the food to be served. Not even a minute later, three cooks entered through a door which probably led to the kitchen, carrying trays of food. Renji tried not to drool at how amazing it smelt, but something was off. The food smelled somewhat...spicy. Renji did not like spicy foods. Byakuya began eating, looking elegant as ever, while Renji carefully took a small bite. It was indeed spicy, but he didn't want to be rude, so he forced it down anyways, probably looking less elegant than Byakuya. The noble suddenly paused, making Renji stare at him in confusion.

"It seems I have forgotten something." Byakuya said, making Renji furrow his brows. Byakuya Kuchiki forgot something? How can that be?

"What is it, Captain?" Renji asked, sipping the tea that was set out for him.

"Rukia does not know you are here." He said, resuming his eating. Renji almost dropped his chopsticks.

"You..you what?! How could you forget something so important?!" Renji almost yelled, panic evident in his voice.

"This was a bit lat minute, Abarai. I was busy preparing your room and notifying the servants and guards." Byakuya said, sounding completely calm.

"Well what am I supposed to tell her?! She cannot find out why I'm here, Captain! She'll turn me into her personal punching bag if she finds out!"

"If you do not wish for her to know of your presence, I suggest you make yourself hidden, since she is about to walk into this room." Byakuya said, finding Renji's fear of his sister somewhat amusing.

"What?! You should have said that in the first place!" This time Renji did yell, and was gone in a flash. A second later, the door opened, and Rukia walked in. Byakuya glanced at the food Renji was supposed to eat, feeling somewhat relieved that it was mostly untouched. Rukia wouldn't notice.

"Good evening, brother. Did I just hear Renji's voice?" Rukia greeted politely, taking Renji's seat.

"Abarai is not here, Rukia." Byakuya said, not wanting to completely lie to his sister. True, Renji wasn't there, in that room, at that moment. It wasn't that much of a lie.

"Really? Hm, I must be hearing things then." Rukia shrugged, taking a bite of the food. "Ah, it's spicy. Renji definitely couldn't have been here."

"Why do you say that?" Byakuya had to ask, wondering what spicy food and his lieutenant had to do with each other.

"Renji doesn't like spicy foods. He likes sweet things, like taiyaki." Rukia explained, not even wondering why her brother would ask such a thing.

"I see." Byakuya said, continuing with his meal but thinking deeply. Why would Renji eat the food if he disliked the flavor?

_He did not want to be rude..I wonder how long it takes to make taiyaki._

* * *

After finishing his meal with Rukia, Byakuya went into the kitchen requested that the cooks prepare taiyaki. When they asked why, he lied and said he had the sudden craving, since he knew they would prepare it extra well if they thought it was for him. He then said he would eat it in his room and dispose of the dishes himself afterwards, thus dismissing the staff of their duties for the night. He made his way towards Renji's room, knocking lightly and entering when Renji's voice told him to. The room was dark save for the bathroom light and the moonlight from the two windows. Renji had just gotten out of the shower and was dressed in a rather nice kimono, one that Byakuya had only seen him wear once during the new years festival while he was helping Rukia with her ceremonial dance. It looked rather nice on him.

"I brought you food, in case you did not get enough at dinner." Byakuya said, watching as Renji's eyes lit up.

"Taiyaki? For me?" He asked, licking his lips happily and taking the tray.

"Abarai, if you do not like spicy foods, you could have simply said so. I myself do not like sweets, which is why the staff usually doesn't make any. However, Rukia informed me that this was a favorite of yours, so I had the cooks prepare it."

"You told Rukia I was here?!" Renji asked, pausing mid chew.

"Do not think so little of me, Abarai. She merely brought it up." Byakuya said, narrowing his eyes.

"Really? That's pretty random of her.." Renji said, going back to stuffing his face, throwing manners and proper etiquette out the window.

"You do know she will find out eventually. You are not the best at hiding your spiritual pressure, and she will certainly recognize it the minute she senses it."

"I know..but..what do I say to her? Something like 'Oh, hey Rukia, I'm just staying here because I've been cutting myself for years and your brother caught me' doesn't sound very good."

"And yet that is exactly what happened, isn't it? Why not just be honest?" Byakuya asked, not quite sure why he cared. It was not his problem, was it? Then again, Renji was living under his roof now, so it kind of was his business.

"You've seen her when she's mad! She'll kill me! Especially since I've known her the longest and I've never told her. I just..I don't even know how to tell her." Renji said, running his chopstick over the empty plate absentmindedly.

"Then don't you think you should tell her now? The longer you wait, the harder it will get."

"I guess...but if she throws me into a wall and it breaks, it's not my fault."

"Noted. If you choose to tell her tonight, she usually walks around the gardens around this time." Byakuya said, taking the tray from Renji and turning to leave.

"Alright, I'll do it Captain. Oh...and Captain?" Renji asked, making Byakuya stop and turn slightly.

"Yes, Abarai?"

"Thank you, for letting me stay here. I really appreciate it." Renji said, smiling warmly.

"It is no problem, Abarai. But do not think this means we are done discussing why you are here." Byakuya said, turning back around and sliding the door shut.

"Wait to ruin the moment." Renji muttered, glancing behind him at the door to the gardens. Through the window, he could see a small figure walking around, and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Guess it's now or never."

* * *

**A/N: Finally done! This took so long, it's not even funny-.- I'm sure you can all predict what will happen next chapter. I know there's not a lot of romance yet, but it's coming! You have to take it slow when involving Byakuya. It's just a rule. This story has a lot of OOC, but that's okay. It's still pretty good, I think. But, I want to know what you think, so remember to please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So I'm officially addicted to writing this. To hell with my GrimmIchi one. ByaRen is just so cute..not that GrimmIchi isn't, but...oh, I love them both! Besides, a little break from one fic never did any harm. This chapter will be more of Renji's pov again, and a little of Byakuya's. No romance yet! Just be patient, it's coming.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I finally caught Grimmjow! He's currently tied up in my closet.**

* * *

Renji slid the door leading to the gardens open, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. Rukia was walking under one of the many sakura trees, looking up at the full moon peacefully. The gardens were relatively simple yet beautiful at the same time. From the koi pond to the many flowers, the stream to the lush grass, everything came together perfectly. Renji would have enjoyed it if he wasn't about to tell his best friend that he's been inflicting pain on himself since she was taken into the Kuchiki family. He took slow steps, not wanting her to hear him yet at the same time wanting her to. Surely she felt his spiritual pressure by now, he was only five feet away.

_Now or never...just get it over with._

"R-Rukia?" Renji hesitantly asked, wincing as the small girl jumped at the sudden voice. Renji assumed she didn't sense him because she was too distracted by the beauty surrounding her.

"Renji? What are you doing here?" She asked, her eyes looking at his outfit.

_He can't be here for squad purposes, not dressed like that. Did brother invite him over? No...he never does that. Something must have happened._

"Ah..well...you see, I'm kinda...erm..."

"Renji? What's wrong?" She asked, becoming worried now. Renji hardly acted like this, only when something bad happened or he was keeping something from her.

"Look, this is hard for me to say...and it might not make sense to you..but...shit, I don't know how to say this.." Renji sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Just tell me, Renji. You're freaking me out."

"Well...I'm gonna be staying here for a while..under Captains orders. See, he kinda...wants to keep an eye on me." Renji started, taking in Rukia's now confused look.

"Keep an eye on you? Why would he want to do that? What did you do, Renji?"

"I wish I could show you...it would make this a lot easier..." Renji said, running a hand over his wrist. Rukia noticed the motion but didn't understand the meaning behind it.

"Show me what? Dammit Renji just spit it out!"

"I-I've been cutting myself...since...you got adopted. Captain found out about it yesterday and today he told me to stay here until I get better. He healed them all, though, so it's not like there's any proof..." Renji trailed off at seeing the anger in Rukia's eyes and prepared for the onslaught of punches, but it never came.

"Why the _hell_ would you do something so dumb?! And why didn't you ever tell me, Renji?! All these years, you've been keeping this from me! Why?!" She yelled, her small hands clenching into fists.

"It's not that easy, Rukia! You just..you wouldn't understand."

"No, I guess I wouldn't, since you never gave me the chance to try! Why have you been doing it, Renji? Are you depressed, is that it?" Rukia asked, her voice less angry now.

"It's not that, I mean maybe it is, I don't know. I started doing it after you left, because I felt like I failed. After that, it just became a habit, to remind myself of my failures. I tried to stop but...it just became something I couldn't control. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want you to be mad."

"I'm not mad, Renji. Okay, maybe a little, but that's because you waited so long to tell me. I'm more disappointed than anything." Rukia said, looking at Renji with big sad eyes. Renji felt as if a knife had just pierced his heart, and let out a pained breath.

"Oh..well that...that's just _great_."

"I'm sorry, Renji, but I thought you were above that. Plus, do you really expect me to believe you did it just to remind yourself of your failures? I know you, and I know there's more to it."

_Damn Kuchiki's are too smart..._

"I...you're going to hit me if I tell you."

"I'll hit you more if you don't."

"Okay okay! I...I like someone, a lot, but...I can't be with them. Every time I try to tell this person how I feel, I just can't do it and then I get depressed...you see where I'm going with this." Renji said, his eyes downcast.

"You hurt yourself over _loving_ somebody?! _Idiot_! Just who is this person?!" Rukia yelled, slapping Renji's arm.

"I...I can't tell you."

"What?! Why not?!"

"I just can't, okay?! Can we just drop it now, I don't want to talk about it anymore." Renji said, and while Rukia wanted to say more, she could tell Renji wasn't okay right now and decided to drop it.

"Fine. But Renji...just don't do that anymore, okay? It hurts me to know you would ever hurt yourself. I'll be here for you if you need to talk." She said, offering a sincere smile. Renji returned it, and for a second all was peaceful, until Rukia flipped him into the water and kicked him in the stomach.

"Ugh...I was waiting for that." Renji groaned, spitting water out and holding his side. Rukia was kind enough to help him out, both of them completely unaware of a set of cold gray eyes watching them from his bedroom.

_He loves someone? That's where the rest of those scars came from? I wonder who could make someone like him so...unlike himself. Has he been depressed the whole time since becoming my lieutenant? I wonder...could it be Rukia? He grew up with her after all, and has proven time and time again that he cares for her. Plus he refused to tell her who he loves. Abarai loves Rukia..?_

He watched as Renji grinned at Rukia, leading her back inside.

_He is a lieutenant. Strong, smart, loyal. Plus he has a bankai already. However...he is always late, he's stubborn, irrational, loud, obnoxious, too much like Ichigo Kurosaki. And he's not mentally stable. No...I cannot allow him to be with Rukia. Not until he matures more. I will have to talk about this with him._

And with that, Byakuya exited his room and knocked on Renji's door, waiting for the redhead to probably finish changing out of his wet clothes. A moment later the door opened, revealing Renji dressed in his night clothes which he sometimes wore around the office, much to most of the womens satisfaction. He was in the middle of putting up his hair, which was still damp.

"Captain? Is there a problem?" Renji asked, sensing his Captains odd spiritual pressure.

"May I come in, Abarai? There is an important matter we need to discuss." Byakuya said, stepping in when Renji moved aside. They sat at the small table in the room, candles being their main light source.

_He does know there is a light switch, doesn't he?_

"So, what do you want to talk about, Captain?" Renji asked, a bad feeling in his stomach.

"It has come to my attention that you may have feelings for someone and because of said feelings you are harming yourself. I am merely here to warn you that pursuing this person is a bad idea." Byakuya said, feeling odd talking about such a thing. But he couldn't let Renji continue this with Rukia.

"W-what? You..you know?" He asked, his face going deathly pale.

_He knows? He knows I love him? But..how? And he said it was a bad idea..._

"It is fairly obvious to me now, and I do not approve of it. You are a good person, Abarai, and a good lieutenant, but you are not stable enough to be with this person." Byakuya said, conpletely unaware of what he was doing to Renji.

_He doesn't approve...I'm not stable enough to be with him...oh god, this fucking hurts. Alone..I need to be alone..I need Zabimaru!_

"C-Captain...I'm sorry, I need to be alone now. You weren't supposed to find out...I understand why you don't approve of me."

"Very well. I understand why you would feel such emotions for Rukia, but it is not meant to be. I hope you understand." Byakuya said, standing to leave. Renji's head shot up, his eyes widening.

"Wait, you think I love Rukia?!"

"Do you not?" Byakuya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Like a sister, yeah! But like that? No way! That's like...incest or something! What would lead you to think that?"

"My apologies, it just looked that way. But if you are not pursuing Rukia, then who are you pursuing?"

"Why do you think I'm _pursuing_ anyone?" Renji asked, narrowing his eyes. Byakuya had to pause for a moment. He technically had been eavesdropping, which was highly un-noble like. But he was already in this conversation, so he had no choice.

"I overheard your conversation with Rukia."

"Eavesdropping? You, Captain? I'm surprised." Renji said, his spiritual pressure whipping around angrily.

"I did not mean to, Abarai. I merely want to help you."

"And just why is that? My love life has nothing to do with you."

"Under normal circumstances, you would be right, but since you are physically harming yourself over it I'm afraid it is my business."

"Oh, that's real nice. Look, I'm not telling you who it is, because it doesn't matter. I'll never be with this person so there's no point in talking about it." Renji said, both his head and heart pounding.

"I will not make you tell me. But Renji...do not think so lowly of yourself. Whoever this person is, may not be as unobtainable as you think. You merely need to be confident and show them your true feelings. Do not let something as great as love slip through your fingers." And with that, Byakuya exited the room, thinking of Hisana. Renji sighed, running a hand through his hair and letting it loose.

_He called me by my first name..._Renji thought, his previous anger vanishing in an instant. He felt like a schoolgirl having a crush on the hottest guy in school.

_Be confident, eh? Oh Captain, you have no idea how unobtainable you really are. But maybe...you're right. I can't let this slip through my fingers so easily. If I'm gonna get rejected, I'll make sure to go out with a bang. It __may cost me my title, maybe even my life, but dammit I'll do it!_

Renji began thinking of a plan.

* * *

The next morning, Byakuya woke up early and began getting ready for work, only to remember today was his day off along with Renji's. Since he was already awake, he decided to eat breakfast early and take a morning stroll through the garden. Renji had plagued his mind all night, which is very odd, considering Byakuya hasn't thought of someone this much since Rukia was supposed to die. Deep down, he had always been a curious person, and Renji not telling him who he loved was really bothering him.

_Perhaps another one of his friends? What other females does he communicate with? Matsumoto perhaps? But Hisagi is rumored to love her, and certainly Renji wouldn't want to come between them. Hinamori? No, Captain Hitsuguya seems to like her. Who else could it be? Someone he doesn't talk to much? Oh, why am I bothering to figure this out, it could be anyone._

Byakuya continued walking through the garden, sipping tea calmly, when suddenly he stopped as an extremely odd question popped into his head.

_Is it...a man?_

He nearly spit out his tea, shaking the absurd thought from his mind. Renji couldn't possibly be attracted to men.

_...Could he?_

Byakuya stopped again, frowning sharply. It would make a lot of sense. But it couldn't be true...Renji was definitely straight...Right?

_This is ridiculous. Of course he is straight, I'm merely over thinking things_.

"Oh, good morning Captain. You're up early." Renji said, breaking Byakuya away from his thoughts. The noble turned around, noticing just how feminine his sleeping yukata was, what with the pink flower design. Maybe it wasn't so ridiculous...

"As are you, Abarai." Byakuya replied, shoving the thoughts into a dark corner of his mind.

"Yeah, I woke up early thinking we had work. Happens every time I get a day off." Renji shrugged, making Byakuya raise an eyebrow ever so slightly.

"I see." Was his response.

"So, anything on today's schedule? As nice as it sounds to just lay around all day, I'm feeling a little restless."

"I have a clan meeting today, which should take up most of my time. If you get bored, feel free to roam around the manor, I am certain you will find something to do." Byakuya said, sounding oh so enthused.

"Clan meeting huh..sounds fun." Renji said, feeling his boredom grow from the mere thought of such a thing.

"Thrilling, actually." Byakuya replied, earning a laugh from Renji.

"Well, I'll leave you to that, Captain. I think I'm gonna get dressed and find something to do." Renji said, turning to go back inside.

"Very well, I will see you at dinner then." Byakuya said, his previous thoughts rearing their ugly heads back in.

"Okay Captain." And with that, Byakuya was left to his thoughts yet again.

_I need to stop thinking about this..._

* * *

Renji had managed to get completely lost, which he knew would happen eventually. Every single hallway looked the same, and he couldn't even find a servant to ask for directions. Not that he would anyways, since his pride wouldn't let him admit to getting lost. He did eventually stumble across a pair of large doors, looking different from the others. Turning the knob to open them, he pushed the doors open and his jaw nearly hit the floor. Thousands upon thousands of books were spread out neatly on shelves, taking up the entire room, and a few tables were scattered about for sitting and reading. Renji had found the Kuchiki library, which held more information than any other library in the Soul Society. He closed the doors and began walking around, reading the signs that named each section of books. Some were historical documents, others were books written by members of the family. And then Renji found something amazing.

He found a photo album for each of the Kuchiki clan heads. More importantly, Byakuya's.

Flipping open the front cover, Renji put a hand over his mouth to cover the laughter. Eventually he couldn't contain it and let it burst out. It had pictures of Byakuya, going in chronological order, most being in black and white since at the time cameras were extremely new to the Soul Society. Renji flipped through pictures of Byakuya being a newborn, being held by a beautiful raven haired woman, to a toddler dressed in a simple yukata with short spiky hair. Once he hit the preteen stage, the pictures were in color, and Renji laughed more. There were pictures of him holding a wooden sword, swinging angrily at a tree while his grandfather watched in dismay. Then when he was a teenager, and he was trying to catch his hair tie from Yoruichi. Renji felt like his stomach would explode from laughing so much.

Then as Byakuya grew older, those livid expressions became more and more serious, until Byakuya stopped smiling all together. The last picture he smiled in, was one where he was holding hands with a woman who looked just like Rukia. Renji knew it was her sister, Hisana, and Byakuya's late wife. Every picture after that was of him, looking calm and serious. Renji could only wonder what happened to make him so void of emotions. He assumed being pressured by the Kuchiki clan forced him to be this way.

_I never knew he had such a temper when he was younger. I mean, Captains Ukitake and Kyoraku mentioned it once, but I didn't know it was that bad. It's so cute..but now it's downright scary. Poor Captain...being forced to grow up. Still...he's so adorable!_

Renji flipped back to the newborn picture, grinning like an idiot and laughing. Little did he know Byakuya had gotten out of the meeting early and was passing by the library, stopping when he heard laughter that could only belong to his lieutenant. He opened the doors quietly, sensing where Renji was and following it, and then his eyes widened slightly when he read the sign above the section the redhead was in.

"What is so funny, Abarai?" He asked, making Renji yelp and jump from his seat.

"C-Captain! I-I thought you were in a meeting!" Renji exclaimed, his face reddening at being caught laughing at something so personal.

"It ended early. I see you found something amusing." Byakuya said, glaring at his baby pictures. Renji chuckled nervously, trying to back away from the noble only to find he was cornered.

"Y-yeah, it's ah..it's...pretty amusing alright."

"...Scatter..."

"Captain?! No, don't kill me, I'm sorry!" Renji cried, flash stepping past Byakuya and back out into the hallway. The noble flipped the book shut and put it back in its place, taking one last look at it before leaving himself.

_Hmph..too easy._

* * *

**A/N: Oh Byakuya, you love scaring poor Renji XD There will be romance next chapter! Woo! And with romance comes drama, so that should be good. Until then, review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Alright, get ready for some romance people! And then get ready for some depression. I know, I'm evil. Now, before I get lazy and put this off until tomorrow, let's get started!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, except Grimmy. I'm also currently working on capturing Byakuya. It's soo hard x(**

* * *

The next day, Renji and Byakuya went to work together, the noble forcing Renji to be on time. The redhead didn't want to wake up, since his bed was beyond comfortable and he was too lazy to work. But, Byakuya (with little effort) managed to get his lieutenant up, and currently sat at his desk doing paperwork. Renji had been acting strange since arriving at the office, and Byakuya couldn't think of a reason as to why.

_Does he want to cut himself, I wonder? But he hasn't done so since the day before yesterday. He did say he was restless yesterday...perhaps he needs something to take his mind off it? He should work, then. Though, I suppose for someone like him, signing papers isn't enough. Training, maybe? No...that didn't end well last time. This is troubling..._

"Say, Captain, how about another spar? I'm feeling lucky." Renji suddenly said, completely giving up on his paperwork. His plan would be put into action today, and he was beyond nervous, but it needed to be done.

"Are you sure that is a good idea, Abarai?" Byakuya asked, glancing up at Renji.

"I'm positive! I was just hungover last time, but this time I won't go down so easily!" Renji said, sounding more confident than Byakuya had heard in a while.

_That is not what I meant...but he doesn't seem concerned about that. Perhaps he is acting so differently because he wants a rematch? Hmm..it seems like something he would do. I see no harm in it._

"Very well. When you lose, I expect every single paper to be signed by the end of the day." Byakuya said, not bothering to hide his arrogance. Renji smirked, raising his eyebrows slightly.

"When I lose eh? Alright, and when _you_ lose, I expect an extra day off."

_Christ, I hope this doesn't get me killed..._

* * *

"Hey, did you here? Captain Kuchiki and Abarai are fighting again! I guess he wants a rematch, come on! I gotta see this!"

Rangiku sighed, watching a group of tenth divisioners run past the office towards the sixth division. Really, did Renji _ever_ learn? But, once again, she couldn't pass up the opportunity.

"Matsumoto, did you finish those papers yet? I just got more and—oh come on! Not again!" Toshiro yelled, throwing the papers on the ground childishly. If this continued, he would have to have a little _sparring_ match with Renji himself.

"I might as well watch it too."

* * *

By the time Rangiku got to the sixth divisions training grounds, the fight had long since started, and she couldn't tell who was winning. Both sides had some good hits on them, but neither had resorted to bankai. She supposed that was a good sign. Renji did seem more focused this time, and had an air of confidence which Rangiku hadn't seen in a while. But there was something odd about Renji as well. He seemed a little jittery, like he was nervous. Rangiku didn't understand why he would be nervous. If he wanted a rematch, shouldn't he be ready for whatever happens?

_Maybe he feels that he'll lose? But then why would he challenge Captain Kuchiki to a rematch? Somethings not right here..._

She watched as Renji dodged a flurry of petals, disappearing for a moment and then reappearing on Byakuya's right. The noble predicted his move and flicked his wrist, sending more petals flying. However, Renji was no longer in that spot, and by the time Byakuya realized this the redhead was already above him, swinging his whip like sword downwards. There was a spray of blood, and a collective gasp came from the audience as Byakuya went down on one knee. His left shoulder was bleeding profusely, but it didn't stop Byakuya from fighting back. Renji's eyes widened when Byakuya vanished, and he belatedly realized what his Captain was doing. Byakuya stood behind him, watching as Renji turned and then flashed away, gripping his now bleeding stomach. Byakuya had used that move countless times, like when he first met Ichigo.

Byakuya wasted no time, sending more blades flying at Renji. The redhead flash stepped away, and then took a steadying breath. It was now or never. While the petals were still a safe distance away, he flashed closer to Byakuya and then broke out into a run, which confused the noble. The petals changed direction, coming straight for Renji to try to stop him from getting any closer. Renji went back to flash step, sweat beading on his forehead. Byakuya was about to flash step away, when Renji said something to distract him.

"You told me not to let it slip through my fingers."

Byakuya knew he shouldn't, but he paused, just long enough for Renji to grab him by the throat and slam him up against the wall. The large crowd gasped again, wondering what the hell Renji was doing and where he got the balls to do it.

"Abarai, what are you doing?" Byakuya said, confused by his lieutenants change in strategy. He saw Renji raise his sword, and instinctively called forth his many blades, but then his eyes widened dramatically when Renji stabbed his sword into the wall and gave Byakuya an unnerving look.

_He pinned me against the wall knowing that if Senbonzakura's blades came near him, I would be risking my own well being. But why is he doing this? What did he say earlier about letting something slip through his fingers? I did indeed say that..but we were talking about love, were we not? So then...what is he trying to accomplish? He...he can't be..._

Byakuya's eyes widened more in realization, glancing nervously at the watching crowd. He knew this would hurt, but they couldn't see this. He sent the blades flying at the both of them, trapping them in a sphere of deadly petals. They cut into both Renji and himself, but the redhead didn't release his hold on the nobles neck. Everything happened so fast, it took Byakuya a moment to realize that Renji was leaning in closer, staring deeply into his eyes and glancing at his lips, before covering them with his own. Widened gray eyes narrowed, his eyebrows coming together angrily. The blades closed in, and while it hurt the noble greatly, it also hurt Renji. His reiatsu spiked massively, rendering a few weak soul reapers unconscious, and while Renji's legs shook from strain he didn't stop. Byakuya tried moving his head away, but Renji's hands held him in place. He punched, kicked, shoved, even resorted to biting, but Renji still didn't stop despite how badly it hurt.

_How can something so small punch so damn hard?_ Renji thought, pressing his body closer to the angry Captains. Then, something truly unbelievable happened. Byakuya went still for a moment, which made Renji's eyes snap open and look at Byakuya's own, which were still angry but now looked more confused. Renji leaned into the kiss, putting more passion into it, and watched as the nobles gray eyes glazes over, his lids drooping. Renji slipped a tentative tongue out, watching Byakuya's eyes come to life, looking more full of emotion than Renji had ever seen. The nobles hands grabbed fistfuls of Renji's hair, his legs wrapping around the taller mans hips tightly. Renji pressed him against the wall harder, his own hands sliding into soft raven locks. They kissed aggressively, passionately, with a need that nobody else could understand. Their tongues clashed, exploring each others mouths excitedly, making Renji groan from the sensation. The blades still swirled around them, protecting them from the crowds view, and neither of them could feel the pain anymore.

Then, the need for air became too much, and Renji released his Captains lips, still holding him up. Byakuya regarded him with a confused yet heated look, and then in a flash Renji was sent flying by a barrage of petals. Byakuya collapsed onto the floor, gasping for air and holding his head in utter confusion and disbelief. His sword returned to normal as Renji landed on the ground far away from him, looking equally confused. The audience was dead quiet, trying to figure out what just happened and who the winner was. Byakuya came to his senses and stood, sending Renji an angry look before walking away. The redhead let his head hit the ground, trying to regain a normal heartbeat. The crowd dispersed except for Rangiku, Shuuhei and Izuru, who quickly ran over to Renji.

"Renji? Are you alright?" Rangiku asked, kneeling down to get a closer look at her friend.

"Yeah man, what the hell happened? Did you win or something?" Hisagi asked, helping Renji to his feet.

"I...I don't know." Renji said, still recovering from the kiss.

_Did that really happen? Did he...no, he couldn't have. But he did...oh my god, he kissed me back! But..he looked so angry just now. What the hell happened?_

"You don't _know_? What do you mean you don't_ know_? What happened inside of that sphere? You were in there for quite a while." Izuru asked, giving Renji a once over. His clothes were shredded, his body was covered in blood, and he looked like he had seen a ghost.

"I..I don't know. I don't know what happened.." Renji said, looking at the direction Byakuya had went.

_Is he angry with me? But, he kissed me back! Why would he be angry? What the hell is going on?_

"But, you were in there! You have to know!" Hisagi half yelled, not understanding his friends actions.

"I..I need to talk to Captain Kuchiki. See you guys later." Renji muttered, walking after his Captain in a confused daze.

"Jeez, what's up with him? What do you think happened in there?" Kira asked, his eyes watching Renji until he disappeared

"I don't know, but we need to find out. He's been acting weird for a while, and this just takes the cake. Whatever it was, it sure pissed Captain Kuchiki off, big time." Hisagi said, and the three stood in the empty training grounds, feeling confused and worried for their friend.

* * *

When Renji went to find Byakuya and found only an empty desk, he started to worry. The scene kept replaying in his head over and over, and no matter how hard he tried, Renji couldn't figure out why Byakuya would be mad.

_I mean, I understood it at first, when he was actually resisting and all. But then...what the hell was that? He suddenly had a major mood swing or something, I don't know. It's like he resisted and resisted until something just...snapped. But that's so unlike him! Captain doesn't just say 'fuck it!' Yet he did, and now he's angry. What I can't figure out is if he's pissed at me, or at himself. He's got every reason to be angry with me, but maybe he's mad at himself for going with it? Che, it sure as hell doesn't bother me, in fact it was the hottest thing ever! I like the careless side of Byakuya Kuchiki. But it sure would be a lot better if he wasn't so angry. Tch, where the hell did he go?_

Renji entered the Kuchiki manor, feeling a faint amount of his Captains spiritual pressure. As he followed it, the reiatsu slowly became stronger and stronger until it was unbearable to be around. Renji felt like his legs would give out any minute, but he had to keep going. Rounding a corner, Renji realized Byakuya was in his room, and a few innocent servants were unconscious in the hallway.

_Oh shit, he's not just angry, he's downright furious! Otherwise he would take into consideration that his servants may not be able to handle his reiatsu at full strength! Fuck..maybe I should let him cool down first...then again, I need to know what that was, and I need to know now! Dammit..this isn't going to end well. I may not come out of this alive, but I've got no choice!_

Renji knocked.

The reiatsu grew, making Renji see black spots before his eyes, but he couldn't give up.

"C-Captain, we need to talk about this!" Renji yelled, wondering if Byakuya could even hear him over the crackling and buzzing of his massive reiatsu.

"Go _away_, lieutenant, unless you want to die." Came Byakuya's deep, angry voice.

_Che, and here I thought I was the childish one. What happened to all those times you called me a child, huh Captain? Look who's childish now!_

"Captain, I'm not going away. If you don't open this door, I'll break it down myself." Renji knew he was pushing it, and if anyone else could actually be around right now, they would think he had a death wish. A raise in spiritual pressure was his only response, so Renji sighed and slammed the door open, not caring if he just busted the lock. Byakuya spun around, having been looking (or rather glaring) out the window, and gave Renji the most furious look he had ever seen. Renji has seen his Captain angry countless times, but none came even remotely close to this moment.

_A lesser man would probably either cry, faint, or piss his pants. I can't choose which one I'm closest to right now. And yet...despite how horrifying it is, it's still kinda...cute. Heh...Captain's cute when he's pissed..wait, focus Abarai! You're about to die!_

"_WHAT_ could you possibly want to talk about right now, Abarai? Can you not see that I am in no mood to talk, or have you lost whatever _shred_ of common sense you had left inside of that thick head of yours?" Byakuya was not yelling, but he was dangerously close to it. His voice was raised, though, and Renji had never heard him speak like this, no matter how angry he was.

"I-I just wanted to talk about what just happened...I mean, a-at the training grounds...are you angry with me?" Renji asked, trying and failing to sound strong.

"Am I _angry_ with you? I think that much is obvious! Of course I am _angry_ with you, I'm furious! Just what were you thinking, Abarai? Have you lost your mind?"

"B-but you told me...to not let love slip through my fingers! You said that person may not be as unobtainable as I thought, and that I needed to be confident! Well, that's what I did!"

"I did not know that person was _me_, Abarai! Of course I am unobtainable to you, I am your Captain and what's more, a male! Did you not bother to think of that?" Byakuya was one step away from losing his temper, which he had tried for years to control. Years of practicing and training, were all about to go to waste in the matter of a day, all thanks to one person. Byakuya couldn't believe it.

"Of course I did...I thought about it a lot...I knew it was unrealistic, but I couldn't help it..." Renji said, his voice losing any minuscule amount of confidence he had left.

"You couldn't help it? Then let me make this perfectly clear, Abarai. You and I will not, cannot, and should not be together. I am a Captain, I have a clan to uphold and laws to follow, I am of noble blood. You are my lieutenant, and _far_ from being noble. Do you understand, Abarai? We are not equal, and us being together would be an abomination." As Byakuya finished his hateful speech, Renji felt his body go numb and his heart stop beating. His eyes began to sting as he felt his heart break, and he didn't bother to even look at Byakuya, he merely walked out of the room and into his own, soundlessly packing his belongings and then flash stepping home. As soon as he set foot in his apartment and closed the front door, he collapsed in a heap on the floor and let his pain free, sobbing brokenly.

He gripped his arms, essentially hugging himself as the cries tore loose and the tears poured out. He expected it, and yet a small, stupid part of him thought that maybe, just _maybe_ it would turn out differently. Byakuya had kissed him back, after all. But all it was, was a mistake. Renji regretted doing it, and now he would probably get transferred to a new division, never to see his Captain again. The thought was unbearable. With tear filled eyes, Renji looked at Zabimaru, sobbing more as the empty feeling consumed him and he clumsily unsheathed his sword, ripping off the wrappings and cutting mercilessly into his skin. Zabimaru screamed in protest, but could do nothing to stop their master. He gave himself a cut for every thought that entered his mind.

_He hates me..._

_I'm just a lieutenant..._

_Us being together would be an abomination..._

_I'm a Rukongai rat..._

_A stray dog..._

_He's a noble..._

_A Captain..._

_I'm pathetic..._

_I should die..._

_God, what have I done..._

He looked over his wrists, not caring that each arm had numerous slits going all the way to his elbows, or that blood had gotten everywhere. His head was pounding from crying, his eyes burned, his heart ached, but he didn't care about it anymore. He felt empty, alone, worthless. Nothing mattered. So, he did what he always did.

He went to the bar.

But not just any bar, one that was far away, where none of his friends went. It was all the way in the 80th district of Rukongai, not the best place to be, but he didn't care. Hell, maybe he would piss someone off and they would kill him.

The bar was empty.

This was odd, since people in the 80th district usually always went to bars at night. So much for that idea. But despite that, Renji still sat at the bar and started ordering bottle after bottle, drinking until he couldn't see his own hand in front of his face. The barmaid eventually kicked him out, having gotten tired of his moping. It was at least 4 in the morning by the time Renji got back home, which was no small feat.

_Renji, what have you done to yourself..._

Zabimaru was ignored, since Renji was too drunk to even understand what she was saying. The room spun one last time before everything went black.

* * *

Byakuya couldn't sleep.

He was still furious, but not for the reasons he had told Renji. True, it had made him angry, but then something..._changed_. Byakuya had never felt something so bliss in his entire life. The feeling of Renji's lips had awoken something deep within him, and any sort of self restraint or common sense he had worked years to obtain, snapped in a mere second. Only Renji could do this to him. And while he was angry at Renji for pulling such a stunt, he was beyond furious at himself.

_Why did I go along with it? All it did was give him the wrong idea. And I cannot believe he loves me. It all makes sense, though. That's why he wouldn't tell me or Rukia, and it's why he said he will never be with this person. I never would have guessed...and I unknowingly gave him the confidence to show me just how much he loves me. It was wrong...for him to do that. It's wrong for him to even have such feelings. And yet...that kiss was like none other. Even with Hisana, I've never felt such a spark...it felt so good._

_Do I...want to feel it again?_

_Yes, I very much do. I don't even need to think about it, my heart already knows. Will I ever get to feel it again? After what I just did to him? Oh...he must be ruined right now...what have I done? The things I said..were so heartless! I was angry at myself, and took it out on him. Oh no...I wonder if he..._

_He's been cutting himself all this time...over me...and now look at what I've done? He must have gone home and...I can't even think about what he did. God, I've made a huge mistake! I must go find him!_

Byakuya ran out of his room, not bothering to change into uniform. It was almost 5, and still dark out. Nobody would see him if he flash stepped. And so he did, fast enough to make even Yoruichi lose track, all the way to Renji's apartments, which he had never been in. He was disturbed by the fact that the front door was unlocked, and wondered if he was in the right place, but Renji's heavy reiatsu was definitely here. Byakuya opened the door, closing it behind him with a soft click and looked around the small living room. His eyes landed on the couch, where a pair of sandaled feet hung over the side. Byakuya walked around to see the rest of his lieutenant, and then stopped abruptly.

The sight he was met with was not a pretty one.

"Oh Renji...what have I done..."

* * *

**A/N: Cliffhanger! I know, I'm awful :p Ahh...I may have made Byakuya a bit too heartless...and Renji may be a little over dramatic...but hey, this is fanfiction, it's supposed to be far fetched. Also, I can't decide if I should make this into a lemon...I'm thinking of ending with one, but eh...kinda iffy about it. Speaking of the end, it might be the next chapter. Short story, I know, but I've got to get back to my GrimmIchi. It's not set in stone though, so don't get your hopes up! I promise the next chapter, lemon or not, will be less depressing. I promise!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I haven't got much to say, except that this chapter may be the last one. So yeah. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

_Oh...my head...what the fuck did I do last night? Nng...it's bright in here..wherever I am..wait, aren't I home? Oh yeah...I remember now...how the hell did I manage to get home last night? Shit...my fucking head is pounding...and my arms are on fire. Maybe I overdid it last night...but I had my reasons. I don't give a shit anyways. Stupid kiss...stupid Captain...stupid, stupid me...why does it smell so damn good in here? I'd look if it didn't hurt so much. Smells like..._

"Food.." Renji groaned, his voice raspy from sleep. His apartment smelled like food, and he didn't know why. But he sure as hell wasn't going to look. The mere thought of opening his eyes made his head throb painfully. "Fucking...god damn head...piece of shit..." He mumbled, blissfully unaware that he had company.

"Do you normally curse when you wake up, Abarai?" Byakuya asked from the kitchenette, flipping an egg over. Renji jumped at hearing the voice, which ended up making him roll onto the floor with a soft thud. He groaned, holding his aching head and squeezing his eyes shut.

"Shit...tell me I'm still dreaming...this has to be a fucking dream..." He said, pulling his bandana down to cover his eyes.

"Are you trying to say you dream of me? I'm flattered, Renji." Byakuya said, his voice sarcastic.

"Okay, now I'm convinced I'm dreaming. If you're being sarcastic then that's the only reasonable explanation. Plus you're not pissed anymore. I'm either dreaming or I succeeded in killing myself last night and I'm in hell."

"Why do you assume this is hell?" Byakuya asked, ignoring the stab of guilt in his heart.

"If it were heaven, I wouldn't feel like shit, and you would be naked." Renji said, being too disoriented to realize that this _wasn't_ a dream, and that he should be mortified to have said that. Instead of feeling insulted, Byakuya was amused.

"Naked you say? Why would I do that?" He asked, carrying a plate of food over to the small table by the couch and sitting in an adjacent chair. He figured he might as well enjoy this before it gets serious.

"So I can fuck you, of course. But, since I'm positive I'm dreaming, I could just do that anyways. Stupid fucking hangover won't let me though." Renji grumbled, completely unaware that Byakuya was sitting right next to him, watching him lay on the ground like an idiot.

"You're absolutely positive you're dreaming? Yet you haven't even opened your eyes? That is not very smart, Abarai. Here I am, making you breakfast on a work day, and you're not even eating. How sad." Byakuya said, shaking his head even though Renji couldn't see him.

"If I open my eyes, my heads gonna pound worse. And you're just convincing me more that this is a dream. My real Captain would never cook me food, let alone come to my house. In fact, my real Captain hates me and is probably going to send me to a different division." Renji said, his mouth turning down sharply at the thought.

"I do not hate you, Renji. What can I do to prove this is real?"

"If you're the real Captain Kuchiki, then you'll remember what happened yesterday. Why don't you tell me about it while feeding me? I'll think more clearly with food in my stomach." Renji said, his eyebrows shooting towards his hairline when he felt chopsticks poking at his lips. He took the piece of egg into his mouth, chewing happily yet confusedly. He didn't think _this_ Captain would actually do it.

"You kissed me during our rematch." Byakuya said matter-of-factly. He couldn't wait to see Renji's face when he realized this was real.

"And?" The redhead pressed, taking another piece into his mouth.

"I kissed you back. Then I got angry and left."

"Mmhmm?"

"Then you came and found me, and I yelled at you. I said terrible things, and you left, came here, inflicted harm on yourself, got drunk and passed out. I came by earlier this morning to apologize, but you were sleeping, so I healed your arms and started making breakfast." Byakuya finished explaining, watching as the visible portion of Renji's face paled and he slowly lifted up a part of his bandana so he could peek up at the noble.

"C-Captain?" He asked, his voice quiet and shy now. Byakuya nodded, smirking as Renji covered his face with his hands and groaned into them, a blush spreading across his cheeks.

"Oh god, forget what I said! Christ, you could have told me before I acted like an ass! But wait, how did you know I did all of that after coming here?" He asked, slipping his headband back up and squinting at Byakuya with red eyes.

"Well, since you were bleeding quite a bit from your wrists, I could only assume what happened. Also, I am quite aware of what sake smells like. Your apartment reeked, as did you."

"O-oh...well...that makes sense. Captain...I...I'm sorry, for what I did. I understand if you never want to see me again, and if you send me to another division. I just...I needed you to know how I felt. I regret doing it." Renji said, his eyes tearing up. He blamed it on being tired.

"Renji, if I didn't want to see you again, why would I be here? I came here to apologize for my actions, not dismiss you from being my lieutenant."

"Apologize? B-but you didn't do anything! It was my fault, and I deserved everything you said. I deserve to feel like shit, too. You don't have a reason to." Renji said, trying to sit up. He ended up flopping back down and nursing his head.

"On the contrary, I have every reason to. Renji, I was not entirely truthful with you yesterday. I was not angry at you, I was angry at myself. I did not understand why I reacted the way I did, and it confused me. After you left, I had time to think about my actions, and I felt terrible for saying those things to you. I was speaking out of anger, not honesty." Byakuya said, gently putting his hand on Renji's forehead and sending pulses of healing kido through it. The tattooed man relaxed instantly, sighing in relief.

"But...you were right, about everything. I'm just your lieutenant, I'm Rukongai trash and I don't deserve to feel such things for someone like you. I knew that all along. It's just like you said, if we would be together, it would be an abomination. I'm not good enough for you, Captain." Renji said, sitting upright on the floor and facing Byakuya who was still seated.

"Don't say that." Byakuya snapped, his voice angry. Renji's eyes widened, staring up at the noble. Byakuya took his stunned silence as a cue to continue. "You are not Rukongai trash. You know very well that I don't care about bloodlines. I married someone who came from the same district as you. I made you my lieutenant because you are strong and brave and good hearted. You deserve much more than me, Renji."

"How can you say that? There is no better than you, Captain! You're perfect to me."

"I am _far_ from perfect, Renji. I think my actions yesterday proved that."

"So what if you let your emotions take over sometimes? I still think you're amazing. You don't need to be so cold all the time, especially with me. I want to see the real you, the you from those old pictures. I know _that_ Byakuya is still in there, throwing all kinds of tantrums. I know you don't feel the same, but I love you, _all_ of you." Renji said, daring to put his hand over one of the nobles smaller ones. Much to his surprise, the other small hand covered his larger one, stroking it with the thumb.

"Why do you think I don't feel the same?" He asked, meeting Renji's red-brown eyes meaningfully.

"W-what? Well, because yesterday you- you got so angry! What else would I think?" Renji asked, his eyes as wide as dinner plates.

_He was angry yesterday, and now he's all calm and nice? Talk about mood swings!_

"I told you I was angry at myself, not you. I was angry because I was confused. Why would I be confused, Abarai?"

"Uh..b-because you kissed me back and shot me away with your petals?"

"Just the kissing, Renji. I know why I attacked you afterwards." Byakuya said, his voice slightly flat.

"R-right. But why _did_ you kiss back? I mean, you were trying to kill me, you even bit my lip!" He pointed to his lip, which had a little purple spot where Byakuya's teeth had been.

"You wouldn't let go. And I kissed back...because..." Byakuya trailed off, his face turning pink. Renji had to rub his eyes to make sure he was seeing correctly. _The_ Byakuya Kuchiki was blushing?

"Because..?" Renji pressed, wanting desperately to have a camera right now. Byakuya's eyes darted to the left, avoiding Renji's large ones.

"Because..something happened." Byakuya said, making Renji mentally face palm.

"What happened, though? Why did you go from wanting to kill me to wanting to suck my face off?" Renji asked, enjoying how the blush darkened.

"If I remember correctly you were the one who started it, and if you must know, I kissed back because..it felt...good."

"Oh really now? What kind of good, Captain?" Renji smirked, loving how easy Byakuya was to work up.

"I don't need to dignify that with an answer." He scoffed, crossing his arms childishly. Renji couldn't help but laugh, which only made Byakuya blush more.

_He is the only person who can do this to me..._

"I'm just messing with you, Captain. It's just, I never thought I'd hear you say that. But really though, what do you mean by good? Like, a little good or pretty good, or kinda good or really good, or—"

"_Really_ good." Byakuya said, his eyes widening slightly at how fast it came out. Renji paused for a moment, and then smirked mischievously. Byakuya wasn't sure if he liked that look or not.

"Ya don't say? Well, why don't you just show me how much you liked it? I'm having a hard time believing _the_ Byakuya Kuchiki could like a kiss from _me_ so much." Renji grinned, resting his elbows on his knees and his face between his palms.

"Abarai.." Byakuya said, glaring slightly at his lieutenant.

"Aw come on Captain, don't you wanna kiss me?"

_You have no idea..._

Renji was on the floor in a flash, his eyes looking up at Byakuya's stormy gray ones which were swimming with emotions. He gasped as Byakuya leaned in, connecting their lips in a passionate kiss that sent Renji's skin on fire. Their lips moved together in synchronization, and Renji playfully took the nobles bottom lip into his mouth, biting gently on it. Byakuya's hands reached up to entangle themselves in Renji's hair, his tongue sweeping over the redhead's upper lip. He felt Renji smirk, and broke the kiss to look into his eyes.

"You know, the floor is hardly the right place for this. We should be somewhere more comfortable." Renji said, running a thumb over his Captains still blushing cheek.

"Are you suggesting we take this into your room?" He asked, his voice calm despite the many emotions in his eyes.

"Well, I was gonna say the couch, but I'm liking your idea a lot better. Of course, if you aren't ready for that, I understand.." Renji's mouth snapped shut as the world spun, and then he landed on his bed. "Guess you're ready." Renji chuckled, his heart beating faster as Byakuya closed the door.

"Are you sure about this, Captain? I mean, you just recently figured out you liked me, isn't this a little...fast? Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining or anything, I just...don't want you to regret this."

"I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't ready, Renji. I can assure you that I will not regret this."

"Well then, give me a minute, okay? Just make yourself comfortable, I know my rooms a mess...I wasn't expecting company today." Renji said, walking into the small bathroom that was connected to his bedroom and closing the door. Byakuya took the time to sit on Renji's bed and observe his room, wondering how on Earth he managed to get it messy. It was a simple room, with only the necessities, yet the floor was covered in dirty clothes and even a few sake bottles. Byakuya _would_ mind, if it were anyone else, but because it was Renji he didn't care at all. He knew the man wasn't organized, and so it's only natural for his room to be a mess.

_What am I doing here in the first place? Do I honestly want to do this with him? Oh, of course I do, I knew he would react this way. It is rather...sudden...and yet I can't bring myself to care. It's rather...exciting._

The door opened again, revealing a more refreshed looking Renji. As he passed the window, he closed the curtains, making the room dark. Byakuya's heart was pounding so hard he wondered if Renji could hear it, but he was soon distracted by a little electric jolt that went straight to his groin as Renji climbed into bed and covered both of them in the blanket.

"Captain, are you positive? I don't want you to do this out of pity or something.." Renji asked, trailing off as Byakuya grabbed the sides of his face with both hands.

"I do not do things out of pity, Renji. I am doing this with you, because you are the only person I want. I do not know why I never realized it before, but you are the most beautiful man I have ever met, and I care for you. I love you, Renji." Byakuya said softly, connecting their lips once again and seeking out his tongue. Renji's strong arms wrapped around Byakuya's small waist, moaning lightly at his Captain's boldness.

"C-captain..I..."

"Byakuya, call me Byakuya."

"Byakuya...I love you too." Renji said, their lips colliding more aggressively. His hands slid down to the nobles neck, going under the fabric of his sleeping yukata and pulling it down.

_He's in night clothes? Oh well, easier for me to take off._

Renji then moved his lips down, kissing along the nobles jaw and down to the revealed shoulder. His hands continued pulling down the clothing, kissing the skin that became exposed. He felt Byakuya shudder and smirked, curiously flicking his tongue out. The noble made a small moaning sound, and it was the most delectable noise Renji had ever heard. He quickly decided he wanted to hear more of it, and continued his way down. His mouth watered as he went lower and lower...when Byakuya's hands shot out to stop him. Renji thought he had changed his mind, but just looking at his soon to be lover told him otherwise. His face was a cute shade of red, his eyes hazy and wide.

"R-Renji..." Byakuya said, slightly out of breath. Renji regarded him with a confused look, yet he was slightly amused at how flustered the usually calm man was. "What's wrong, Byakuya?"

"Why am I the only one being undressed?" The noble asked, his blush deepening when Renji smirked in understanding.

"Oh, I get it, it's not fair huh? I'll fix that." Renji said, slipping out of the top half of his uniform. Byakuya's eyes trailed over the exposed tan skin, his pupils dilating as they traced the tattoos. Renji then began pulling his hakama down, his heart racing. Once again, Byakuya's hands stopped him, grabbing his hakama. "I..would like to..if that is okay."

"Of course, Byakuya. I don't mind at all." Renji said, placing his hands back onto the raven haired mans yukata. Slowly, they both removed the last article of clothing each of them had left, marveling at the sight. Renji never was shy about his body, but having Byakuya stare so intently at his nether regions made him blush and squirm. The next thing he knew, he was underneath Byakuya, and his lips were being attacked.

_Woah...where did this come from? Shit...what does it matter? This is fucking great!_

Their tongues collided passionately, and Renji felt like the room temperature had skyrocketed. His hands slid down Byakuya's sides, tentatively making their way towards the mans length, which at this point Renji could very much feel against his own. One finger made its way up to the tip, smearing a small bead of precum around. Byakuya moaned louder this time, his body jolting at the touch. The noble then began trailing kisses down Renji's neck, moving to his chest and then stomach. The redhead felt his breathing pick up as Byakuya went even lower, coming to the base of his now throbbing erection. Smokey gray eyes looked up at him as a curious pink tongue darted out, swiping across the head and retracting back into its cavern. It was a small amount of contact, but it drove Renji insane. A hand shot up to cover his mouth as Byakuya took in his entire length, and though he tried to hold it back, a strangled moan escaped his throat. A slender hand reached up and took the hand away, lowering it slowly.

_He..he wants to hear me...oh god, this is amazing..._

While Byakuya wasn't experienced in this sort of thing, he got the general idea of what to do, and began sucking on Renji's member. His own erection twitched as Renji moaned, his hands running through silken black locks.

"Oh..B-Byakuya...that's just...ahh...fucking perfect.." Renji managed to say between moans and gasps, encouraging the noble to quicken his pace. Renji soon found that he had little control over his body, and bucked his hips with every bob of Byakuya's head. He knew it may be uncomfortable for the elder man, since he wasn't exactly small and was probably forcing it all down his throat. But, Byakuya didn't seem to be in any kind of pain, so he assumed it was fine. Byakuya paid close attention to the way Renji moaned, waiting until they became higher in pitch and more frantic. He then removed his mouth quickly, making an obscene popping noise and also earning a whine from the redhead.

"Ahh..why did you stop?" Renji asked, blushing at the needy tone in his voice.

"It wouldn't be any fun if I let you finish now, would it? I intend to make this last as long as possible." Byakuya said, gasping lightly when Renji flipped him over suddenly. He shivered as a burning hot tongue licked his length from the base to the tip, arching his back when Renji sucked gently on the sensitive head.

"Then let me return the favor, ne?" Renji smirked, doing just as Byakuya did to him, loving the sounds that came from his Captain. He stopped suddenly, making Byakuya groan in confusion and frustration. He had just started to get close.

"Byakuya...how far are you willing to go with me?" Renji asked, licking gently enough on Byakuya's erection to make him moan and gasp.

"W-why..ahh..are you..mmm...asking that now? I will go as far as you wish, Renji.."

"Then...which one of us will be on top?" Renji asked, his hand gliding up and down Byakuya's inner thigh. The noble blushed at his question. While he had never done this before, he did know generally how two males had sex. This didn't mean he knew what position he would prefer. Being on bottom sounded rather painful, but he wouldn't know what to do if he were on top. In the end, he supposed he trusted Renji enough to take care of him, and didn't mind being on bottom.

"Y-you may be on top...if you wish..."

"Okay, Byakuya. You do know...I'll need to prepare you...right? I..I don't want to hurt you."

"P-prepare me? But how..?" Byakuya trailed off as Renji put three fingers up to his mouth, and then it all clicked. He took them into his mouth, coating each with a good amount of saliva, and tried to breath normally as they went down to his entrance.

"If it hurts too much, I'll stop, okay? Just try to relax." Renji said, taking Byakuya's nod as a sign to continue. He pushed one finger in, wiggling past the tight ring of muscles and watching for any signs of discomfort. He decided to continue sucking on Byakuya's member, to distract him from any pain. Soon enough, Byakuya was bucking his hips, so he entered another digit. It burned, but the pleasure from Renji's mouth over powered the pain. The third finger made him whimper, and Renji paused, looking up at him with concerned eyes.

"Keep going, I will be alright." Byakuya said, doing as Renji said and relaxing. Before he knew it, the pain slowly but surely morphed into pleasure, and he felt the end approaching. "R-Renji, I'm ready, do it now!"

Renji did as he was told, and with one hand, smeared the precum around as a lubricant. It was gross, they both knew that, but there was nothing else. Slowly, he pushed inside of the noble, gasping at how tight it was. Byakuya bit his lip in pain, his nails digging into Renji's shoulders. The redhead used one hand to pump Byakuya's hard cock, the other keeping him up, until he was finally fully sheathed.

"B-Byakuya..you feel so..so good..tell me when to move, okay? I'll go slow." Renji said, feeding the raven haired man several long, gentle kisses. Byakuya adjusted to Renji's largeness, and nodded for him to move. It still hurt, more so when Renji slid out, but suddenly he felt an overwhelming wave of pleasure wash over him and all pain was forgotten. He moaned loudly, burying his face in the crook of Renji's neck. Renji did the same thing again, thrusting back inside and hitting a bundle of nerves with a little more force than last time. Byakuya cried out again, arching his back and biting into Renji's neck, hard enough to leave a mark. The speed increased, escalating into a rapid beat and filling the room with the sounds of deep moans and skin slapping together. Renji was panting, the feeling of being inside his love better than he ever dreamed of. Byakuya looked so beautiful beneath him, Renji felt so lucky that this was happening. Soon, their cries of ecstasy rose higher and louder until everything exploded, their lips connecting as they moaned in completion. Renji felt Byakuya's warm seed on his stomach, but paid no mind to it. Everything was white for a moment, and when his vision returned, he saw Byakuya's flushed face. Renji rolled off to the side, panting lightly. The room was hot, and while it was a little blurry, Renji swore the windows were fogged up.

"That was...amazing...Byakuya.." Renji said, reaching down to pick up a random article of clothing from the floor and used it to wipe off the cum. It was gross, but since when did Renji care about that? He was too damn tired for a shower.

"Indeed it was, Renji. Although, I don't care for the stickiness." Byakuya said, grimacing at the light sheen of sweat on his body.

"We'll take a shower after some sleep, okay? And maybe do some other stuff too, ne?" Renji said, grinning slyly. Despite being tired, Byakuya smiled.

"But of course. Renji, I never knew you had such a large appetite for sex."

"Ha, what can I say? It's hard not to when I've got you in my bed. You've got a pretty big one yourself." Renji said, laughing when Byakuya chuckled.

"The same goes for you, too. I always thought you were good looking, but I never realized just how beautiful you truly are."

"Wait, you thought I was attractive before all of this? Since when?" Renji asked, covering himself and Byakuya with the blanket.

"Since..the first day I saw you, I suppose. I knew you were attractive, but I didn't think much of it. One day, I developed some kind of feeling for you, but was too blind to see it. Now I know for certain that I love you, Renji." Byakuya said, tracing the patterns of Renji's tattoos on his chest.

"I love you too, Byakuya. I'm so happy to finally be with you." Renji said, shuddering at Byakuya's touch.

"As am I. But Renji...it will not be easy, being with me. As a Captain and a clan head, there will be many obstacles. I will understand if you no longer wish to be with me." Byakuya said, his eyes widening when Renji pulled him close, his head resting on the redheads chest.

_He's so...warm...and I can hear his heart beating. Such a strong man...I never knew he was capable of being so gentle. I do not want this to ever go away.._

"I know all of that, Byakuya. I'm not going anywhere. I love you too much to let something come between us. We'll make it, no matter what, okay?" Renji asked, tilting the nobles head up to kiss him with so much passion Byakuya felt breathless. The two remained like that, laying in comfortable silence and slowly drifting to sleep, until a disturbing thought came to Renji's mind.

"Byakuya...how are we going to tell Rukia about this?"

It may have been Renji's sleep deprived mind, or just pure imagination, but he could have sworn he heard the raven haired man mutter the word 'shit.'

* * *

**A/N: Well, that's the end! Was it good, bad, meh? I may add one last chapter, but between work and school, that may never happen, so I'm just ending it here. Plus, I really need to get back to my GrimmIchi, plus I've got like a billion other stories I want to start. My brain is over flowing with ideas XD So until next time, remember to leave reviews. A lot of you guys just read and then don't give any input, and while it's nice to know how many people read this, reviews are much nicer. So thanks for everything, it's time for me to go to bed!**


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